Monthly Archives: January 2010

January 31, 2010 · 3:47 pm

MD vs. Clemson

3:46 PM – Huge game today for the Terps. This is where we either move to the next level or sink back into mediocrity. See you in about 90 minutes!

5:34 – How about the Caps! 10 in a freakin’ row! I can’t wait to see them try and break the franchise winning streak in person versus the Bruins on Tuesday!

5:35 – What in the name of fuck was up with that announcer’s hair on the left? He looks like the son from the Munsters got old and laid out in the sun too long. I’m sure he’ll provide some great insight.

5:40 – Either of these teams ever played defense? I haven’t seen anything this loose since Sarah Palin’s daughter.

5:43 – Jesus Fucking Dog Rape! What in the name of suck-shit is up with our defense? How in the name of useless assholes does Moseley end up guarding their center? Why not give a scholarship to Webster and let him guard their center.

5:46 – OMFG. What was our game plan going in today? Did Gary Williams jizz on the floor and then assign players to the drops of dead-Garys on the hardwood?

5:48 – Anyone else surprised that we went on a run when Grievous went to the bench? Nope me neither.

5:52 – Nice shot Stillborn. Way to airball a 2 footer.

5:57 – Where does Gary find these guys? The way Bowie is playing today, I guarantee you the 7-foot tall idiot from of Mice and Men could finish a crossword puzzle faster than Bowie. That is, unless every answer was “stupid fucking suck shit.” As in: 12 Down – “Best way to describe Bowie.”

6:00 – Thanks for the nugget “Token Female Sideline Reporter” : “Maryland needs to knock down shots.”

6:01 – Nice play Gregory. Quarterbacks in football have happy feet. He has happy arms. He catches a ball in the paint, moves his arms back and forth like an epileptic, then throws the ball away. Just beautiful.

6:09 – Grievous could save me from a burning building and I would still punch him in the face after I was safe.

6:21 – I am going to puke watching this game. First off, Dino Gregory also has a perfect first name, because he has the proportional brain of a dino, like the T-Rex. He’s 7-foot tall with the brain of a newborn. I wonder what his major is? Probably pissing the bed. Pants Wetting 301.

6:45 – Holy shit. Clemson flops around on the floor like a dying goldfish. I’ve always hated those asshole teams that try to in a Tony Award my falling down on defense.

6:47 – Grievous has single-handedly given me high blood pressure tonight. The only signature move he hasn’t done yet is to do his shimmy-shake while we’re losing by 30 points.

Leave a comment

Filed under Maryland Terrapins

Tagged as , ,

January 16, 2010 · 1:51 pm

MD vs. Boston College

Well, as we speak, I’m pregaming before seeing this game live.

Am I the only one who thinks the Boston College coach looks like a chipmunk? They should change the theme song to Alvin, Simon, Theodore, and The Asshole Boston College Coach.

More to come…

3:48 – I can NOT get over how small this arena is. My high school gym was almost larger. Also, I’d say 25% of the fans here are UMD fans. Also, there is like one men’s room in the entire Cunty Forum. Do BC men just piss their pants?!?

3:58 – Th boos when the BC team just came out were both deafening and embarassing. Terps representing! Comcast North!

4:18 – I would seriously kill myself if I was a BC fan. This is like a Clippers game. Going to yell out my friend Bryon’s name soon…

5:32 – What a destruction. Their pathetic fans are streaming for the exits with 8:12 to go. LOL.

As a side note, my funniest comments so far this game are when their one player with a headband heads to the line. I’ve been consistently yelling, “Headbands suck!”

6:09 – At the end of the game, Vasquez looked up at our fans and kept saying, “This is our house!”. he’s a douchebag, but he’s right this time! Go Terps!

Leave a comment

Filed under Maryland Terrapins

Tagged as , , ,

January 12, 2010 · 8:18 pm

MD vs. Wake Forest

Ok, I am testing my blog’s iPhone app to prepare for my drunken rage blog live from the MD/Boston College game on Saturday. I can’t wait to see us suck every brown-eye in Boston live.

8:21 – ESPN 360 is my only outlet for watching the game tonight. Commercials are crystal-clear while the live action is like watching the stuttering kid from Billy Madison announcing the game while looking through coke-bottle glasses. Fuck you ESPN, you cumslaves.

8:25 – I’ve always hated the Wake Forest court. it looks like we are playing on a wicker basket.

8:39- Aaaannnddd here comes their run. C’mon Terps.

8:44 – I can’t tell you how infuriating it is to try and watch this game on ESPN 360. What tiny-dicked computer programmer put this together? Maybe if they asked them to create a stream of World of Warcraft videos or of Marge Simpson naked we’d get some technological progress. Fuck me with a bum’s dick.

8:49 – ACC refs are so goddamned ticky-tack under the rim. We could brush their players’ necks with a fresh tulip and we’d still get called for a foul. Pansies.

9:19 – Well, this half is off to a great start. We couldn’t block out if we had Ralph Friedgen in the lane. At least Stillborn is playing stellar defense again. It was nice of him to allow the Wake Forest center to balance his sac on his forehead for him while he dunked. Nice D.

9:31 – These refs are horse-tits this week. Call a foul both ways you blind diddlers. F U C K M E

9:32 – Stillborn you useless asshole. WHY THE MOTHER CHICKEN FUCK ARE YOU IN THE GAME?!?! Please catch crabs. Not STD-crabs. I mean like snow crabs, because I want one to clamp on your labia and put you on the disabled list.

9:40 – I’m no fan of Grievous, but what an actor. No way Grievous knocks down your sasquatch-ass that easily.

9:54 – Down two. They’ve got a player fouled out. Let’s go!

10:05 – I’ll give Stillborn that bonehead foul after those two clutch shots at the other end. This game might kill me.

10:09 – Why are we in OT? Grievous can’t see a giant white line in front of him.

Stay Outside the Line Asshole!

10:15 – I seriously think my wife might kill me if I yell out one more time. I’m actually hoarse.

10:24 – To which God of Asshole Midgets did that Wake player pray to before he hit that runner to go up two with 19 seconds left?

10:28 – Sigh. Well we lost, but at least our fans don’t look like the star of the “Messin’ With Sasquatch” commercials.

Leave a comment

Filed under Maryland Terrapins

Tagged as , , ,

January 10, 2010 · 5:40 pm

Maryland vs. FSU

Ok, here we go. Please God let’s get the season off to a great start…

5:40 – Sigh. 3-0 before I could type the first sentence.

5:43 – It is embarrassing how empty our stands are. Was there some kind of natural disaster that happened in College Park?

5:44 – Timeout. Why, oh why, do we break out those mustard-colored uniforms? We look like a hot dog with jaundice. But, I think we used them to beat UNC last year, so if it brings us luck, I’ll wear mustard-colored panties.

5:55 – Can anyone explain to me why Grievous can’t make an open shot? Fuck me with an iron.

6:00 – Where did this team come from? Wooooo! Let’s go Maryland.

6:08 – Anyone see that creepy commercial about Myrtle Beach that was two inches from that guy’s face? Who vacations at Myrtle Beach? Their “beach” looks and feels like a cement sidewalk. It’s like calling the Beltway a beach.

6:29 – Since this is going so well, maybe I should complain about something else. What in the world is wrong with NBC? Conan always has and always will be a better host than Leno. Besides, Conan mentioned my conference on national television!

1 Comment

Filed under Maryland Terrapins

Tagged as , ,

January 10, 2010 · 5:36 pm

Ravens Rant

Before I start blogging on MD’s game against FSU, I thought I’d let everyone know why exactly I’ve come to hate the Ratbirds/Ravens so much.

When the Browns moved to Baltimore, the Redskins were and still are shit. Awful, green infant shit. So it was great to have another second tier team to support. Midway through their second season in Baltimore, I started hearing taunts and insults from Baltimore Ratbird fans that made Cowboys fans blush.

So, inevitably I asked why this was the case. Here were some typical answers:

“The Redskins tried to stop a team from coming to Baltimore!”
Um. Considering the crime spree their players take part in, I’d say that blocking them from coming was probably a public safety matter. Besides, it sure didn’t take long for Baltimore to do the same thing to the Nationals year after year.

“Well, I used to be a Colts fan and we hated the Redskins then!”
Really? Well you couldn’t have been that much of a fan if your owner was so sick of you that he packed up a truck in the middle of the night.

“My meth lab is in Baltimore. So RAHHHHHHHHH!!!!”
Ok, I made that last one up, but it isn’t really that much of a stretch, is it?

Anyway, back to my hatred. So, the razzing of a few of my friends has never deterred me from anything. I mean, if it did, I’d probably be skinny from all the fat jokes over the years. But I digress. After taking a job about 30 minutes south of Baltimore, I was forced to move to Glen Burnie. Now, for those of you who don’t know about Glen Burnie, imagine this: go to http://www.peopleofwalmart.com, then add a giant meth problem, then get them all riled up by a Ratbirds Super Bowl run. That is Glen Burnie. People started slapping 10-15 Ratbirds car flags on their pimped-out 1989 Dodge Neons, naming their kids Raven, and wearing purple boas and beads out to dinner. The company I worked with even held a Ravens Parade during our lunch hour. Are you kidding me?!? Utterly classless. You should act like you’ve been there before. Even though you really are just the Purple Browns.

But the culmination of my hatred with that team is Ray Lewis. He is idolized in Baltimore. A man who played a large part in multiple murders is idolized. But, I guess when you live in a city with one of the highest crime rates in the country, where the Mayor is arrested for using gift cards intended for the homeless, then Ray Ray is a step up.

Go Colts!

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , ,

January 3, 2010 · 4:07 pm

Zorn’s Farewell Performance (THANK GOD!)

4:08 – Here we go. Looks like I’m going to win my 16-person fantasy football league, so pardon my unusually good mood.

4:16 – Fuck Norv Turner. He was ass and a half here and is a product of having a great team in San Diego that carries his Freddie Kruger-faced ass.

Kruger

Kruger

Norv

Norv

Separated at Birth?


4:22 – If that dropped pick by Smoot doesn’t sum up the dripping jizz that is our secondary than nothing does. Motherfucker.

4:29 – I am so tired of watching these losers. 3 and out. That should be our new mascot.

4:42 – Well, this is over already. Let’s go Chiefs! We can still get the 4th pick overall!!!

4:52 – I am so fucking tired of seeing Simple Jason throw 8 yard hook patterns 50 feet above the receiver’s head. Maybe the flayed asshole needs to have signs that say “Throw!” taped to the receiver’s chest like Forrest Gump’s “Run” signs.

7:17 – Well, that’s that. An ending that fits like a girdle. Losing to the Chargers’ scrubs. 4 and fucking 12. Holy fuck. Earlier this year, my dad said that this was the worst Redskins team he’s ever seen. My dad is 77 years old. Nice. The worst team in 77 fucking years. I don’t even want Zorn to be able to fly back on the plane with us. I want him to ride home in the back of a fucking moving truck with a polka band like the mom from Home Alone. Goddamnit. I’d hope someone would leave a steaming shit on his doorstep for when he gets home, but he wouldn’t even care. He is an emotionless robot sent from the future to give me cardiac arrest. This is pretty much how I feel.

Now, all I have left is to root against three teams, in this order of hatred: 3. Eagles, 2. Cowboys, 1. Ravens. For one week, I am going to be the biggest Pats fan in the world, because I hate the Ravens, hereby referred to as the Ratbirds, almost as much as I love my Redskins.

Fuck me. At least the Chiefs won, so we have the 4th round pick in the draft, or translation, we have a chance to look like the 4th biggest jackass come Spring!

The rage continues…

P.S. If the Caps lose their fourth in a row on Tuesday, they are getting added to the banner.

Leave a comment

Filed under Washington Redskins

Tagged as , , , , , ,

January 3, 2010 · 12:45 pm

Maryland vs. UNC-Greensboro

I won’t be updating this much because I’ll be watching my fantasy players in my league’s Super Bowl. But, I’ll post here and there during Maryland’s inevitable loss.

12:44 PM – There may only be one entry, because if Vasquez or Landon Stillborn celebrate at any point in this game after losing to William and Mary, I’ll be busy burning down my own house.

1:02 – Quick interjection: How in the name of noodle-armed televangelists is Mark Brunell still in the league??!? He’s getting the start today for New Orleans. He might as well change his name to Katrina, because he’ll bring them more misery than a hurricane.

1:04 – Did this asshole announcer just say that Grievous has been lighting it up? The only thing he’s been lighting up is the receiving end of gloryholes.

1:10 – Unbelievable. Grievous gave up the ball instead of doing a backflip and shooting an airball. Of COURSE we miss the free throw. Goddamnit.

1:13 – Jesus Fucking Christ. Stillborn loses the handle on a bounce pass. A BOUNCE PASS. I bet if you stand up 10 toddlers in a row and bounce a ball to them, NINE will catch it. What a fucking useless asshole.

1:18 – Are these announcers blind in one eye? Yes, Vasquez has been playing well on offense, but he just stands there and dreams about Marxist principles on defense. Does he just not give a fuck or is the attention-whore used to cameras in Venezuela only point at one end of the court? because he is eating ass at the other end.

1:20 – If you told me our balls team would be shooting 90% after last game, I would tell you that you are shooting heroin.

1:25 – Do I even need to stay it? Fuck you Stillborn. Put on a fucking hairnet and start working at the dining hall. Missing a fucking dunk. P.S. I really like Moseley. He sucks, but the kid plays with heart and you can’t say that about pretty much anyone else on this team.

Another interjection. I think Mark Brunell has blackmail photos of every coach in the NFL, because it makes no sense how he has a job. I just watched them run a draw play when they had 3 and 11 because they knew Brunell would blow it.

1:34 – If anyone ever wants to beat Maryland, just start five, 7′-tall white guys regardless of their ability. Our guys from Baltimore will just stand there in disbelief that a white guy could be that tall and ugly and just let them shoot a 2-foot jumper in their face. Happened against Gonzaga, happening today.

1:45 – the UNCG coach is a beard and mustache away from being the Geico caveman.

1:56 – Why can’t Grievous keep his emotions in check? Is he bipolar? He’d been calm all day, then comes out of a timeout and immediately throws a pass into the third row, then tries to do a 360 spin through the lane out of control, then shoots a NBA-range 3 that bricked so hard it almost caused a tsunami.

1:59 – 16 point lead. Things are looking good. Going to watch some football for a bit until we inevitably blow the lead. Stay tuned.

2:29 – Now that this is looking like a W, I’m going to take a break until the Redskins debacle begins. I need time for the valium to take hold. BRB.

Leave a comment

Filed under Maryland Terrapins

Tagged as , ,