April 19, 2012 · 6:38 pm

Caps vs. Bruins Game 4

7:37 PM – Been a long time since I’ve done this, but here we go. Fired up tonight!!!! Let’s go Caps!

7:39 – Jack Edwards for sure has a picture of Tim Thomas over his bed. Probably with the mouth cut out.

7:42 – woooooooooo!!!!!!!

7:45 – Chara is seriously a Bigfoot out there. We have Obama faces for Thomas. We should put up some Jack’s Link Beef Jerky for Chara.

7:48 – Fuck Jack Edwards with a rotten whale cock.

7:49 – Jesus taint Erskine sucks. He is out there to fight, so FIGHT! Because your D buh-lowwwwssss

7:50 – My God the Bruins’ Thornton is ugly. Boston should release a children’s book called, “Thornton Hears a Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.”

7:55 – Mike Green injured?!?!?! Whaaaaatttt?!?!?!??!? That’s unpossible!

7:58 – Ward you shit stain in an old lady’s diaper how do you not get to that puck!!!

8:00 – My blood pressure must be ridiculous right now. Why didn’t I just take up reading Nicholas Sparks books?

8:03 – Chimera is rocking a Sphinx looking beard. I don’t think a playoff beard allows you to manscape. Also, fuck you iPhone for correcting that as ma scape 10 different times.

8:05 – Um, I am pretty sure Lucic’s parents are Borat and Dracula.

8:07 – Mother fucker Erskine. I told you, either FIGHT or GTFO!!! Molasses in December with Down’s Syndrome is not as slow as Erskine.

8:12 – The Bruins announcers are like some asshole you play basketball with who has no skills and when they score a bucket it is like they are the NBA MVP.

8:15 – OMG!!!! They called a penalty on the Bruins!!!! Did I grow hair?!? Do I weigh 100 lbs?!?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?

8:21 – time to breathe. Fucking series will be the death of me.

8:41 – That save by Holtby on Chara was so retarded that it is starring as Lenny in Of Mice and Men.

8:46 – Fuck you David “I have the worst Scrabble letters” Krejci

8:49 – Game is half over and we have 6 shots on goal. I have more moles on my scrotum than that.

8:58 – How in the name of fucked up shit did Wideman miss that shot?!?? Holy shit.

9:08 – Tim Thomas may be the luckiest goalie on the planet. Second time he stopped a shot and didn’t even know he had it. His Ron Paul yard sign fell out of his pocket and blocked it randomly. Hey Timmy, Obama 2012 asshole. That is happening regardless of how this season ends.

9:12 – Patricia Sit-on-one charged with hooking

9:35 – 23 minutes between updates. This is like a great social experiment on the effects of copious amounts of alcohol.

Leave a comment

Filed under Washington Capitals

Tagged as ,

December 5, 2011 · 11:07 pm

2011: A Rage Odyssey

The Mayans are either full of fucking shit or terrible at math. Clearly, the cosmos has aligned for Armageddon this year, n0t 2012. There is no explanation for the black hole of suck that has formed inside the DC Beltway. How do I know? Let me convey the prophecy:

These things all actually happened to my teams….within the same goddamn year:

Washington Redskins

  • The 2011 draft happened without the Redskins drafting a QB. Shanahan looked at the two steaming piles of armadillo dung that are John Beck and Rex Grossman and due to cataracts, rabies, or dementia somehow saw Joe Montana and Steve Young.
  • We missed the playoffs for the 4,124th year in a row. The only team with a longer drought are the Carthage Carriage-Makers.
  • Two of the few bright spots in the 2011 season, Trent Williams and Fred Davis, get suspended for at least 4 games for getting caught smoking weed, not once, not twice, but three fucking times. Trent and Fred Go to White Castle. Coming soon to a theater near you. This one pisses me off more than any of the others. I mean, what kind of Sling Blade motherfucker do you have to be have 7 million dollars and pick weed as your choice of fun. First off, I don’t even understand smoking weed. I’d be in Vegas burning down a suite every night. They pick weed. I mean, at least pick a rich person’s drug. Shouldn’t you be doing lines of coke off of a leprechaun or something?

Washington Capitals

  • Jesus sac….where do I even start with this one. How about the complete fucking meltdown against the Tampa Bay Lightning in last year’s playoffs. Swept by a team that sounds like it was ripped from the script of Mighty Ducks 12.
  • Or maybe the complete disappearance of the 2-time MVP, Alex Ovechkin. MVP now stands for Mighty Vagina Plug.
  • Now, this year we’ve gone from being the top team in the East to rancid yEast.

Maryland Football

  • We have a coach, an alum, who wins ACC coach of the year. What do we do? Duh! We fire him!  Fuck success. Who needs it. I once won the lottery, but instead of cashing in the ticket I just lit it on fire.
  • As if our play on the field wasn’t ugly enough, we decided to get a chimp drunk, make it puke, and then use the barf as the design for our new jerseys.
  • We won two games this year. Two. As in two balls. Two tits. Two anal cysts. We lost one game against Temple. Temple. Hopefully we’ll do better next year against Mosque.

Maryland Basketball

  • We were so bad last year that we didn’t even make the N-fucking-I-raping-T. Not just the NCAA, but the NIT. If you don’t know basketball, that is like not getting a date to the prom and when you ask your mom or dad to go with you instead, they kill themselves instead of taking you.
  • Gary Williams, who led us to probably the only title we’ll ever win, retired in embarrassment. Our new coach, Whogives A. McFuck takes over and we proceed to lose to Iona. I don’t even have the will to live enough to make fun of Iona. Just saying the word is enough.

Washington Nationals

  • Of course I didn’t expect anything from the Nationals, but the icing on the crap cake for 2011 was our young prospect being kidnapped and held for ransom. Seriously, who the fuck has a player kidnapped? Luckily Liam Neeson tracked down the assholes and got him back.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

February 2, 2011 · 9:00 pm

Puke @ Maryland

My front porch, driveway and every path I’ll take to work tomorrow will be covered in snow and about a 1/2 of ice. Considering that I will surely slip and die walking to the train tomorrow, it will be nice to go out with a win versus Duke and Coach Rat Face.

8:57 PM – Why does ESPN do this every time? Start a game at 7 PM and expect it to magically be over by 9 PM? This game will inevitably run over. It’s the Big Least. Who cares?

8:59 PM – Wow, I was wrong already. 8:59 and it’s over.

9:00 PM – Awesome. Someone in the stands had a picture of Singler that looked like a zombie. In other words, they had an undoctored picture of Kyle Singler.

9:02 PM –  Pregame? Who needs it. I’d rather watch Syracuse’s coach talk about how much he looks like the dad from ALF.

Separated at birth?

9:08 PM – OK, let’s go!!!!!

9:10 PM – What a corn-fed moron. Shot clock running down and he tries to dunk it. I thought Duke kids were supposed to be smart.

9:11 PM – Coach Rat Face must be going crazy with all these cheese-colored jerseys on the court.

9:13 PM – Jesus Christ, these announcers love Vile Singler. I expect to see a Sunday night Hallmark movie on CBS called, “Singler Makes My Prostate Sing” starring Jay Bilas.

9:15 PM – Duke just turned the ball over 3 different ways that last possession, but somehow they still scored. Goat fuck!

9:20 PM – Holy shit what a terrible foul call. Justice! He missed the Free Throw.

9:22 PM – Kelly for the Blue Balls missed that 3 pointer worse than Stevie Wonder at darts.

9:25 PM – I can’t take this Vile Singler love. How many times can they say that they want to lick a person’s taint in one night?

9:27 PM – I’m on almost no sleep, spent the day shoveling in pouring, freezing rain, and am drinking the first mixed drink I’ve had in six months. THis blog is going to go downhill fast…..vulture sperm.  See? I don’t even know where that came from.

9:29 PM – Fuck Singler. He looks like that British guy from 28 Days Later if he’d actually been bitten by one of the zombies.

9:30 PM – Luckiest, dick-lickiest team ever. They are getting every roll. Even the ones on Coach K’s wife’s FUPA.

9:32 PM – Down six now. We are teetering more than Jay Bilas’ manhood.

9:38 PM – Duke is not that good. Not saying they won’t beat us, but they are terrible. Measuring skill against us is like measuring your height against a proton, but still.

9:39 PM – Stoughlin sucks. I’m sorry people, but he is a moron. I guarantee that if he is ever interviewed, he’ll only ever say, “I like me some French Fried per-taters. Mmm hmm.”

9:41 PM – FUck me. Here comes the rage.  Down 10…..

9:45 PM – I hate my fucking sports jinx. I fucking loathe it more than anything. I would rather give Sarah Palin a piggy-back ride to one of her Klan meetings than to watch every one of my sac-master, cocksmith teams eat proverbial hobo ass night in and night out. Goddamn it. Down 15. Awesome. Nats suck, Skins suck, Terps suck, Caps suck. The sports gods must think I like the Wizards too, because even they suck. I’m sure the WNBA must be out of business by now but I bet even D.C.’s team would suck. I couldn’t even win with the political team I root for in D.C. Fuck me. I swear I’ve never killed a nun or raped an angel, so why the fuck do my teams suck so bad. Yes, I know the Redskins won 3 Super Bowls, but I still had hair at that point for Christ’s sake. I barely even remember it. Fuck.

9:50 PM – New plan. I’m going to drink myself blind and then take a hammer to the speakers on my TV. Then I won’t have to watch or hear this shit ever again. Wait, I probably should hammer the speakers before I’m blind…..nahh fuck it. I’ll take my chances.

9:52 PM – FIST ME

9:54 PM – Fucking bullshit. No way that was a foul on Williams.

9:55 PM – Typical Maryland. Start to build the SLIGHTEST bit of momentum and then we just throw the ball out of bounds…..except somehow they gave the ball to us. O…..K……

9:59 Pm – Did Jay Bilas REALLY just say that in defending a foul called on us? “Well, he got all ball, but his hand was on his back.” Whoooooooooooooo cares! This isn’t the NFL you dried sperm snorting waste of air. That was NOT a foul!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

10:03 PM – Halftime break to gather some kerosene so that I can burn my house down if we ….well, either way.

10:41 PM – Back to down 7….not getting my hopes up, unless College Park moved outside the Beltway since I’ve been there.

10:42 PM – Holy fucking cheating lucky cocks. That should have been a basket and one…..fuck a platypus.

10:44 PM – Boo-ey. You fucking idiot. What a terrible 3 to take. You prostate explorer.

10:45 PM – This game is officially rigged. FUcking horseshit call on us at the other end. These officials are full of fucking shit and Duke alumni bribes. ANd cum.

10:50 PM – FOUR. 4 fucking calls in a row against us. All of them questionable at best. Something is amiss.

10:51 PM – I seriously think our players missed the meeting where they covered 3-pointers. We don’t shoot them and can’t defend them. When they pull up to shoot a 3, our players look at them as if they started reciting a porn script in Sumarian. They have no idea what is happening.

10:53 PM – Well, we’ve officially given up. Me too. Fuck it. I hope some Tri Delt gives them all herpes.

Leave a comment

Filed under Maryland Terrapins

January 9, 2011 · 8:29 pm

Maryland @ Duke

This will be on a brief tape delay as I had to put my baby down. She probably would have gone done earlier, but my dumb ass thought the game started at 9, not 8.

8:25 PM – Ok, I’m eccentric as anyone else in cheering for my team, but these Dukies have pushed the envelope from fringe to dork. It’s a fine line, but when you wear a penguins costume to the game and your mascot is an asphyxiated demon, then you are a dork. I guarantee there is a Star Trek: The Next Generation shirt underneath it.

8:28 PM – Thank goodness this isn’t on Raycum sports. They make sports look like a Russian rec league broadcast.

8:30 PM – That jumping has always been stupid. It looks like 2,000 people need to desperately take a shit.

8:31 PM – Fuck me in the goat ass. Grievous Vasquez is in the stands. The jinx is in!

8:32 PM – Singler looks like a blonde George Muresan.

8:33 PM – how the fuck did we let White Dumbo get that rebound?

8:35 PM – I wonder what would happen if Maryland could ever get a jump shooter? First, it would be so bizarre that it would probably rain godzilla sperm for a week also. Second, we’d probably go undefeated.

8:37 PM – Another MD game, another time shooting 8% in the first half.

8:39 PM – We own them with our offensive plays in the paint every time we play these losers. It is just whether or not we convert the opportunities.

8:40 PM – Refs shouldn’t be allowed to look like they are on the senior version of Dancing with the Stars when they call an “and 1” foul at home. That asshole just looked like he was trying to mount his most likely 400-lb wife from behind when he called that blocking foul.

8:41 PM – WE MADE A GODDAMN FREE THROW!!!! HOLY PIG SHIT!!!! TWO OF THEM!!!

8:43 PM – What, in the name of every kind of fuck, was that shot by Padgett. It looked like someone throwing a baseball at a milk jug in a carnival game. His new name is Midget.

8:44 PM – Wow. Coach K just made a rat face so surreal that all the actual rats watching this game just dropped their cheese in awe. He has to be part rat. How the fuck he didn’t get cast as Splinter in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie baffles me.

8:46 PM – Jesus Christ. We have more air balls than a gay airline.

8:48 PM – Where would we be without Jordin Williams? Holy shit. He is like the sixth grader who was the only one to hit puberty yet.

8:52 Pm – Holy fuck we got the lead. I don’t believe it. Clearly I am in a coma and don’t know it yet.

8:54 PM – It’s rainin’ J’s! Hallelujah it’s rainin’ J’s…ohhhh yeahhhh!

8:57 PM – My wife just took one look at Singler and called him a monster. 🙂

8:59 PM – Wow. I haven’t seen a three second violation since Coach K raped that sheep.

9:00 PM – Why do I love Gary? When a call doesn’t go his way, he looks like a drunk sailor stepping off of his barstool to kick someone’s ass. Every time.

9:02 PM – Halftime let me catch up live. Back in real time now.

9:11 PM – RAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:15 PM – Duke is playing like shit at the moment. Old, goat shit.

9:18 PM – Fuck Singler. Even monster’s have their day once in a while. I’ve seen the Hunchback of Notre Dame,

920 PM – And…..the air balls are back…..of course they are. If they didn’t come back, this blog wouldn’t exist. So much for that lead….damn you Paul C.

9:24 PM – How the fuck did that ball not go in? Fuck my jinx.

9:25 PM – Duke, this isn’t the Mexican Futbol league. No diving allowed.

9:26 PM – And. Here. We. Go. We are about to go down like a hot air balloon with Coach K’s cheese stash inside it.

9:27 pM – Fuck. Fuckity fuck fucker.

9:29 PM – If that play before was not goaltending, then I am a size 1 hair model.

9:34 PM – I love missing free throws. Love it. I wish that could be my career, watching my team miss free throws all night.

9:35 PM – They showed Grievous again. That should be good for a 10-0 Duke run.

9:38 PM – Sigh. The Spigler Jinx is strong in this one.

9:40 PM – That 3 was bigger than my waistline.

9:45 PM – Please stop showing Grievous Vag-quez. Please.

9:51 PM – Sigh. That is probably ball game.

Leave a comment

Filed under Maryland Terrapins

Tagged as , ,

December 5, 2010 · 12:34 pm

Redskins vs. Vagiants

11:09 AM – Well, most likely this is the last meaningful game we’ll play all season.  When the inevitable happens, and we are doing 21-0 in the first five minutes, then I’ll be doing with ‘Skins rage posts this year and will move on to raging about the Terps and Caps.  I wanted to start today on a bit of a tangent.  It involves a Redskins player who may be the biggest asshole in the history of the organization.  May I present to you, Princess Carla Rogers.

In case you missed this article, the problems the Redskins can’t win at home?  The fans.  We are too mean to Princess Carla’s itty bitty wittle team.  Awww…poor thing? We may have even made him pee his Pull Up diapers. Here’s the real scoop you piece of wasted flesh and feces:

1)  Words like “are” ARE your friends.  This is fail: “When we home … I don’t know the problem.”  or “Yes, they hard on us.”  See Carla, the word “are” should have been added to those sentences.  For example, see how stupid I sound when I say, “You the biggest cumslave in America.”  Now, had I said, “You are the biggest cumslave in America.” perhaps I wouldn’t sound as stupid as you.

2) Fuck you.

3) You don’t like to hear swearing? What else would you expect the natural reaction to, for example, sitting in traffic on a weekday afternoon, going out into a freezing cold rainstorm, and then watching your team lose to a rival (led by a felon) by 1,000 points in the first quarter?  I mean, how was rage shown in your household?  When your parents found out they gave birth to the ugliest, shittiest, failure on the planet (you) what did they do?  Did they not swear?  Did they polka?  They certainly didn’t teach you to catch fucking footballs.  My next point…

4) Want us to not point our rage at you?  CATCH A FUCKING BALL YOU GODDAMN ASSHOLE!  Now, normally, I would also insert something here about you having herpes.  However, you are so fucking bad that you couldn’t even catch herpes from your crack whore sister.

5) I know it is hard for you making millions for being born with athletic genes, but for us in the real world who had to get an education and work real jobs, when you rob us of what used to be three hours of singular joy in our weeks by sucking every asshole on the field, you are basically kidnapping our happiness.  Kate watches the baby for 3 hours on Sunday so I can watch the game, but you walking scrotum ridges kidnap that freedom like Sarah Palin stealing baby seals.  Fuck you!!!

Now, on to the game:

If we lose this game we are basically even mathematically eliminated. That is fair since the winner of the NFC West will probably finish the season 7-9.  Awesome.  Whatever.  Eli will probably have the Vagiants up by 6 TDs in the first half.  If not, then the Mayans were really bad at math, because doomsday will be upon us.

Be back at kickoff…

1:05 PM – Andd……here we go.  Nice tackle 41 and McIntosh.  3 yard loss?  NOPE!  27 yard gain.  Rocky McIntosh is like the Rocky from Rocky 5.  Old and useless.

1:09 PM – could our fucking defense be any worse?  Just when you think that you have the worst passing defense in the history of sport, the Vagiants march down the field and run over us .  JOKE TEAM

1:14 PM – Normally after  a big run for the offense you are cheering for, if a ref calls a facemask, you’d be ecstatic.  However, as a Redskins fan you OBVIOUSLY know that it would somehow be on the offense.  Proved right yet again!

1:21 PM – How can Jim Haslett live with himself?  If every program I tried at my job failed for 5 months straight, I am pretty sure I would quit and work somewhere else.  Fuckity fuck.

1:28 PM – Mark it on your calendar folks.  These assholes have officially given up.  OOPS!  Sorry if I offended you Princess Carla.

1:33 PM – We are fucking dumber than an inbred NASCAR fan standing in line for a Sarah Palin book signing.  Down 14-0.  Correct?  Yes.  Our defense hasn’t stopped a team in about 7 years right?  Right.  The Meadowlands has some of the most notoriously strong winds in the continental US?  Yep.  So, when down 14-0 with a 4th and 3, WHY IN THE NAME OF A HIPPO TAINT WOULD YOU TRY A GODDAMN FIELD GOAL?!!!!  Go for it you fucking idiots.  Fuck this.  Fuck this.  Fuck this.

1:37 PM – HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We got them to a 4th down.  OMG they are punting.  Now they are the dumbest team ever.  They could have ran in the wrong direction and would have still gotten the first down against our shit-sniffers.

1:50 PM – I can’t take it.  How does that fat fuck TE get that open?  Are we blind too?  We should change our name to the Washington Hellen Kellers.  At least it wouldn’t be racist.

1:51 PM – We are just not any good.  We look like a fucking high school team.  If it was an all-girl school of paraplegics.

1:59 PM – Unbelievable.  Look how many different ways we sucked ass on one play.  A) we fumble after finally getting a first down B) although clearly a fumble, we challenge anyway.  C) because we can’t even throw a challenge flag, London Fletcher kicks the ball and gets a delay of game.  We are a colossal joke.  We should have been given the Tonight Show, because we are much funnier than that hack Leno.

2:12 PM – 21-0.  Two back-to-back blowouts against division rivals.  You win Redskins.  I give the fuck up.

2:48 PM – I can’t believe we are a pro team.  Even our first round pick LT sucks.  He’s been owned today.  It doesn’t matter how good a player is, was, or will be.  If he comes to the Redskins, he will turn into a crying pansy and ruin his career.  We are cursed.  My only hope for a team is a lockout next year that is so devastatingly long that the entire rosters of every NFL team are made null and void and we start over.  Even then we’d probably suck.  This is the curse of Jack Kent Cooke.  What the fuck do you want Jack?  I’m done with this team for this year.  See you at a Terps game soon.

Leave a comment

Filed under Washington Redskins

Tagged as , , ,

November 18, 2010 · 7:03 pm

Maryland vs. Shittsburgh

6:50 PM – I am really pumped about this game tonight.  It’s easy to root for a team like this with nothing to lose and everything to gain.  J. Williams and Pe’Shon are awesome.  I hate Grievous Dos and the lanky white Scandanavian prick needs to step it up.  Otherwise, who knows with this time?

7:03 PM – Getting ready to tip-off!!!

7:07 PM – Could there be any more logos on the court?  It looks like a Nascar pit crew exploded.

7:09 PM – Stupid morons.  The goddamn NBA 3-point line don’t matter for shitt.  Fucking idiot.  It’s college.  You know, the place where you never go to class and steal alumni money and catch clap?

7:17 PM – Our rebounding has been pretty strong.  SO nice to have an actual center and not a midget in platform shoes.

7:20 PM – Ok, Grievous Dos, you hit that three, but AGAIN from the NBA line.  Fucking idiota.

7:21 PM – Deity rape.  How the hell can we suck so badly at free throws?  HOW?

7:27 PM – This team is balls.  We might still lose to them, but they are really poorly coached.  They run through the lane like the pissed off sasquatch from the beef jerky commercials.

7:29 PM – Nice pass directly to  Pitt player Grievous Dos.  You are a pile of shit.  Please fucking choke on your own ego and die.

7:32 PM – I love Moseley.  Sucks at life, but full of heart.  He will never give up after he makes a mistake.  That recovery to Williams was amazing.

7:34 PM – Every time I look down I expect to be up by 12.  We should be killing this shitty team.

7:38 PM – Gary needs to force our guys to stick their hands in a blender every time we miss a free throw in practice.  Absolutely inexcusable.  How can someone so tall not make a free throw?  How?  Especially when that is all they do with their lives.  I guarantee you that as a fat guy who eats all day, that I could eat a taco if given one.  That should be what a free throw is like to a 6′ tall basketball player who has chosen to only play basketball with their lives.  FUCK

7:41 PM – If these fouls continue at this rate, our mascots might make it into the game.

7:42 – Fucking Paulssssson.  You Icelandic shit.  In the game for two minutes and like your home country’s volcano, you fucked it up for everyone else.

7:52 PM – At least their team is just as stupid for the 3-point line.  Seriously, how complicated can it be?  There are two lines.  It’s not like you have to search the floor for a periodic table to find the right atomic weight and shoot from that line.  Fucking idiots.

7:55 PM – Pe’Shon Howard just pulled out his Pe’Nis on that play and out-manned that shitt player from Pitt.

7:56 PM – FUCK YOU GRIEVOUS DOS!!!!  BENCH THAT SHIT CHUGGING, HAT STAND FOR NUT SAC.

8:15 PM – I may front a hair metal band before we hit another free throw.

8:20 PM – and just like that, this shit team has an 8 point lead on us.

8:21 PM – If that was a foul Williams then I am Yao Ming.

8:22 PM – This game is over. Mother fucker.  These games are the worst losses, because it is to an overrated bleeding asshole of a team.  There is NO chance they make it out of the second round.  Put it in fucking granite and place it on the National Mall.  THEY ARE SHIT.  WE ARE JUST SHITTTTIERRRRRR!!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHHH

8:25 PM – That Pitt player just slipped on her own juices.

8:26 PM – That terrible decision from Mosley just killed us.  It looked like Gary might strangle one of the guys on the bench with his tie while beating off.  He made my rage look calm.

8:32 PM – WE MADE A GODDAMN FREE THROW!!!! I EXPECT JESUS TO RIDE AN ALIEN MOTHERSHIP FILLED WITH UNICORNS INTO THE STADIUM.  FUCKKK

8:34 PM – Make these free throws Grievous Dos!!!!

8:35 PM – YES!! Random white guy I never heard of before!  Nice play!!!

8:36 PM – How was that out on us??  Did it go off Gary’s enormous dong??!?

8:54 PM – What a difficult game this is to watch…

9:01 PM – Ahhhhh.  Dino Gregory.  There is the asshole I know and love.  Missing wide open layups.  I can’t remember the nickname I gave him before, but Dino is now Suck-a-saurus Rex.

9:06 PM – Signing off for now.  I need to stick my head in the oven.

Leave a comment

Filed under Maryland Terrapins

Tagged as , , , , ,

November 8, 2010 · 8:09 pm

Maryland vs. Seattle (has a team now?)

8:10 PM – this is going to be a looooooong year. we can not shoot at all. holy shit.

8:12 PM – FYI, I just checked to see if Grievous has even played this year for Memfist. he has played a total of 80 seconds. workers unite!

8:17 PM – our recruiting makes me want to puke. do we pick the shittiest states to recruit in? Stoglin was all-state in Arizona. Caner-Medley from Maine. Hopefully next year we can get Tooga Booga Whogivesashit from Guam’s all-island team.

8:19 – what the fucking bullfuck?!? Jordin Williams has NO jumper. he could be a goddamn gnome living inside the rim and still would miss a jumper.

8:23 – this Howard kid looks good…and not in the “Hi, I’m a Duke player who thinks you look good enough to have sodomy with” way.

8:24 – our students are already in midseason form. I’ve already clearly heard the words “pussy!” and “bullshit!”

8:26 – Stoglin is going to be the next Vasquez. guaranteed. a scorer who makes dumber decisions than Sarah Palin’s parents when they decided to have her.

8:32 – this game is sloppier than one of my daughter’s diapers.

8:33 – if we go into the half tied or losing, all of our players should be sent to UMBC.

8:36 – Yes! we have the elusive “useless white guy who Gary Williams will play no matter what” role filled again! Paulson has some big shoes to fill. I wonder where Mike Mardebitch is these days?

8:37 – add “fucking” to the swears I’ve heard on the broadcast tonight. I heart our fans 🙂

8:39 – Haha, I guess Comcast Sportsnet must think a lot of Baltimore fans are watching. when someone makes a basket, a “3” or “2” flashes up before it is added to the score. God forbid someone subtracts 37 from 40 to get the number 3. To make it easier, they should put “number of people Ray Lewis murdered” when someone scores two points.

8:43 – 11 minutes in and I already hate Stoglin. he needs a nickname….give me a minute….

8:53 – ok, Stoglin’s new nickname until I think of something better is Vasquez Dos.

8:57 – Palsssssson is playing like sssssssshit.

9:45 – How can 1 team miss so many shots/layups in 1 game? do we practice on regulation rims? because it looks like the only rims we are comfortable with have the word “jobs” after them.

9:48 – Jordin Williams is playing like Jordin Sparks. that mother raping butt squatter can not make a layup. how can someone that tall not make a layup. it would be like me being bad at being fat. it’s impossible.

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

October 17, 2010 · 7:34 pm

Week 6: Redskins vs. Colt Sores

8:35 PM – I am about to bust a fat roll. Fuck you Carla Rogers. learn how to catch!!! how can a cornerback not know how to fucking catch a goddamn ball!!! it would be like a swim coach not knowing how to fucking swim. goddamn! goddamn!

8:40 PM – nice catch Santana! see kids? steroids DO work.

8:42 PM – Mother fuck me with a jackhammer. terrible fucking pass..’nn

8:43 PM – Landry blows another fucking coverage. I don’t give a spent cum if he can hit. he can’t fucking cover for fucking shit!!!!!!! fuck Landry. he is a she-bitch ass mime.

8:49 PM – and the blowout begins…..I might as well go to bed now

8:50 PM – nice call and even better run. he ran into the one Colt player within 40 yards. if he goes into a bar of hot women, does Torain hit on the one 80 year old with herpes?????!???? fuck

8:52 PM – Carla!!!!!!! you she-whore!!!

8:56 PM – we can’t run for shit. Stephen Hawking might as well be our RB.

9:01 PM – great run! he made filet mignon out of a turd

9:03 PM – Nice knowing you Cliton Portis (spelling error intended)

9:07 PM – the only thing our secondary can catch is the clap.

9:11PM – WTF DeAnal-low Hall! That French fuck Garçon is owning your ass. don’t pat him on the head afterwards. If I was prison raped for the third time in an hour, I wouldn’t pat my rapist’s head.

9:14 PM – our d’s mascot should be a prolapsed rectum

9:19 PM – Torain is running like he is on PCP and has diarrhea and the only toilet is in the end zone

9:25 PM – Peyton is killing us…need a turnover.

9:32 PM – we can not catch a fucking thing.

9:40 PM – What in the fuck is up with those Charmin commercials? If I wanted to watch cartoon characters play with their feces while singing a Barry White song, I would watch Japanese anime.

9:46 PM – 2 minutes left in the half and down 10. we have to get at least a FG before the half or you can all got to bed because this will be over.

9:55 PM – Does Archie Manning have Collinsworth’s family held at gunpoint, because he has been verbally tossing his salad.

10:13 PM – Aside from aliens landing in PG County, I don’t know how we avoid a loss tonight. We just don’t have the talent to keep pace.

10:21 PM – Our tinkerbell FG kicker almost missed the xp. we will never tie this game with him.

10:35 PM – Motherfucking Laron Panty sucks ass. we could be down 8030595828289040 and he would flex his biceps for all the 12 year old boys he rapes, but yet when he needs to make ONE fucking tackle, he offers to give a reach around instead of tackling. God fucking damnit. ass fucker balls.

10:40 PM – How long will this Colts TD drive take? 2 plays?

10:41 PM – The Colts picked up Justin Tryon-little-girl-underwear?!?! LOL!!!!

10:48 PM – No Collinsworth, our game plan is this: send an ambassador to China. Secure a billion dicks. Bring the billion dicks back to Washington and then suck a billion dicks for a trillion years. Fuck this defense.

10:56 PM – 3rd and 1. QB sneak? nope. short run up the middle? nope. piroutte around the right side for a loss of one? You betcha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11:39 PM – Game over. here’s the wrap-up: Fuck.

12:00 AM – Officially my birthday now.  Thanks for my early present assholes.

2 Comments

Filed under Washington Redskins

October 3, 2010 · 3:17 pm

Week 4: Redskins at Filthadelphia Anals

4:16 PM – Holy unicorn fuck I am excited!  And even more shocked that the Anals “fans” cheered for McNabb.  Did they all find Jebus??!?

4:17 PM – At least since it is breast cancer awareness month, the Eagles’ gloves match their thongs.

4:19 PM – Why in the name of buttfucking dogfights hasn’t Banks been returning kicks until now?!?!  He did that all preseason!! Agghhh!!

4:21 PM – I’m comin’ Elizabeth!  A player and not a blade of grass tackled Portis.

4:23 PM – WOW!  I wonder how many little girls got puked on in the stands because of that play!!!!!!!!!!!  Go Skins!!!!!!!!!!!!

4:25 PM – OMG what a hit.  If that Easgles returner didn’t have a vagina before, he does now!!!!

4:29 PM – Is it just me, or does Mike Vick’s chinstrap look like little girl underwear?

4:33 PM – FUCK!!!! WIDE OPEN LIKE ANDY REID’s MOUTH at a LARD BUFFET AND HE OVERTHREW HIM LIKE A DICTATOR IN CENTRAL AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4:34 PM – Please bench Portis.  Please bench Portis.  PLEASE BENCH PORTIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Nevermind (4:35 PM)

4:37 PM – WOOOOHHOOOOO@!!!!! Go Donovan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4:49 PM – Uh oh!  Vick’s vagina is Sick.

5:14 PM – Kolb looks pretty good!  ROFL

5:20 PM – Could I be any more of a jinx?  I talk shit about Kevin Knob and he completes like 7 in a row.  Stop these rapist mimes!!!

6:22 PM – If they don’t rule this a fumble I am going to turn my anus inside out and wear it as my Halloween costume.

6:26 PM – WOooooooooOOOO

6:29 PM – Fuck you Stephon Heyer!!!!

6:30 PM – Listen to me Joe Buck.  You cockworshipping Cowboys loving lockbox for cum.  The Cowboys aren’t watching this and liking this (unless they are picturing Kevin Knob naked and quivering in the shower.)  Have you forgotten we BEAT FUCKING DALLAS!!! AND WE LOST TO FUCKING ST. LOUIS!!! SO FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6:49 PM – My balls pulled up into the stratosphere on that near interception.

Leave a comment

Filed under Washington Redskins

Tagged as ,

September 19, 2010 · 12:00 pm

Week 2: Houston Butt-Sexans vs. Redskins

12:59 PM – Bryon is in town this week. So while he hasn’t agreed to be a guest blogger, I will be posting some of his choice comments from the Lions and Eagles game. My blogging will follow later.

1:07 PM – Commentator: “Eagles are looking small on their push.” Bryon: “They are looking small between their legs.”

2:20 PM – Bryon: “I have an anti-boner right now.” (Lions, 17, Eagles, 7)

5:35 PM – Looking good! How can I rage about this? We look awesome. I almost had some blog gold at the end of the Eagles/Lions game. Oh well.

6:26 PM – and here we go. I will ass-pillage the zoo if we lose this game. I already had is 3-0 including beating the Ass-Rams next week.

6:28 PM – By the way, nice run LJ. this shit is going to give me a heart attack. he might as well come over and bludgeon me to death with the double ended dildo he surely keeps in his nightstand. Fuck

6:36 PM – Mother fuck a retarded goat!!!!! why not just run the fucking ball! you throw it, almost get it picked off and then time stays on the clock. Only to have the ass ahoy (autocorrected but funny enough to keep) FG blocked

6;55 Pm – Christ o mighty. I have never wanted to eat a razorblade cocktail like right now. fuck fuckiry butt fuckers

7:36 PM – unbelievable. Buddha scissor fuck me sideways

Leave a comment

Filed under Washington Redskins