The Mayans are either full of fucking shit or terrible at math. Clearly, the cosmos has aligned for Armageddon this year, n0t 2012. There is no explanation for the black hole of suck that has formed inside the DC Beltway. How do I know? Let me convey the prophecy:
These things all actually happened to my teams….within the same goddamn year:
- The 2011 draft happened without the Redskins drafting a QB. Shanahan looked at the two steaming piles of armadillo dung that are John Beck and Rex Grossman and due to cataracts, rabies, or dementia somehow saw Joe Montana and Steve Young.
- We missed the playoffs for the 4,124th year in a row. The only team with a longer drought are the Carthage Carriage-Makers.
- Two of the few bright spots in the 2011 season, Trent Williams and Fred Davis, get suspended for at least 4 games for getting caught smoking weed, not once, not twice, but three fucking times. Trent and Fred Go to White Castle. Coming soon to a theater near you. This one pisses me off more than any of the others. I mean, what kind of Sling Blade motherfucker do you have to be have 7 million dollars and pick weed as your choice of fun. First off, I don’t even understand smoking weed. I’d be in Vegas burning down a suite every night. They pick weed. I mean, at least pick a rich person’s drug. Shouldn’t you be doing lines of coke off of a leprechaun or something?
- Jesus sac….where do I even start with this one. How about the complete fucking meltdown against the Tampa Bay Lightning in last year’s playoffs. Swept by a team that sounds like it was ripped from the script of Mighty Ducks 12.
- Or maybe the complete disappearance of the 2-time MVP, Alex Ovechkin. MVP now stands for Mighty Vagina Plug.
- Now, this year we’ve gone from being the top team in the East to rancid yEast.
- We have a coach, an alum, who wins ACC coach of the year. What do we do? Duh! We fire him! Fuck success. Who needs it. I once won the lottery, but instead of cashing in the ticket I just lit it on fire.
- As if our play on the field wasn’t ugly enough, we decided to get a chimp drunk, make it puke, and then use the barf as the design for our new jerseys.
- We won two games this year. Two. As in two balls. Two tits. Two anal cysts. We lost one game against Temple. Temple. Hopefully we’ll do better next year against Mosque.
- We were so bad last year that we didn’t even make the N-fucking-I-raping-T. Not just the NCAA, but the NIT. If you don’t know basketball, that is like not getting a date to the prom and when you ask your mom or dad to go with you instead, they kill themselves instead of taking you.
- Gary Williams, who led us to probably the only title we’ll ever win, retired in embarrassment. Our new coach, Whogives A. McFuck takes over and we proceed to lose to Iona. I don’t even have the will to live enough to make fun of Iona. Just saying the word is enough.
- Of course I didn’t expect anything from the Nationals, but the icing on the crap cake for 2011 was our young prospect being kidnapped and held for ransom. Seriously, who the fuck has a player kidnapped? Luckily Liam Neeson tracked down the assholes and got him back.