Tag Archives: Capitals

April 19, 2012 · 6:38 pm

Caps vs. Bruins Game 4

7:37 PM – Been a long time since I’ve done this, but here we go. Fired up tonight!!!! Let’s go Caps!

7:39 – Jack Edwards for sure has a picture of Tim Thomas over his bed. Probably with the mouth cut out.

7:42 – woooooooooo!!!!!!!

7:45 – Chara is seriously a Bigfoot out there. We have Obama faces for Thomas. We should put up some Jack’s Link Beef Jerky for Chara.

7:48 – Fuck Jack Edwards with a rotten whale cock.

7:49 – Jesus taint Erskine sucks. He is out there to fight, so FIGHT! Because your D buh-lowwwwssss

7:50 – My God the Bruins’ Thornton is ugly. Boston should release a children’s book called, “Thornton Hears a Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.”

7:55 – Mike Green injured?!?!?! Whaaaaatttt?!?!?!??!? That’s unpossible!

7:58 – Ward you shit stain in an old lady’s diaper how do you not get to that puck!!!

8:00 – My blood pressure must be ridiculous right now. Why didn’t I just take up reading Nicholas Sparks books?

8:03 – Chimera is rocking a Sphinx looking beard. I don’t think a playoff beard allows you to manscape. Also, fuck you iPhone for correcting that as ma scape 10 different times.

8:05 – Um, I am pretty sure Lucic’s parents are Borat and Dracula.

8:07 – Mother fucker Erskine. I told you, either FIGHT or GTFO!!! Molasses in December with Down’s Syndrome is not as slow as Erskine.

8:12 – The Bruins announcers are like some asshole you play basketball with who has no skills and when they score a bucket it is like they are the NBA MVP.

8:15 – OMG!!!! They called a penalty on the Bruins!!!! Did I grow hair?!? Do I weigh 100 lbs?!?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?

8:21 – time to breathe. Fucking series will be the death of me.

8:41 – That save by Holtby on Chara was so retarded that it is starring as Lenny in Of Mice and Men.

8:46 – Fuck you David “I have the worst Scrabble letters” Krejci

8:49 – Game is half over and we have 6 shots on goal. I have more moles on my scrotum than that.

8:58 – How in the name of fucked up shit did Wideman miss that shot?!?? Holy shit.

9:08 – Tim Thomas may be the luckiest goalie on the planet. Second time he stopped a shot and didn’t even know he had it. His Ron Paul yard sign fell out of his pocket and blocked it randomly. Hey Timmy, Obama 2012 asshole. That is happening regardless of how this season ends.

9:12 – Patricia Sit-on-one charged with hooking

9:35 – 23 minutes between updates. This is like a great social experiment on the effects of copious amounts of alcohol.

Capitals vs. CanadiAns (Game 7 or WTF?!?)

5:48 – Here I sit on the train home from Downtown Boston, along with apparently an NIH study group of SARS patients, thinking about how in the hell we got here.

This sucks. How does a bunch of French fried purveyors of gloryholes take us to Game 7?!? We must have pre-ordered this batch of suck from China and allowed 3-4 months for delivery. The last game was infuriating to say the least.

I honestly don’t see a way out of this. DC sports teams either suck or choke. Its a tradition, like pulling that fat fuck of a groundhog out of its hole each winter. If we win tonight, all tradition would be lost. I can’t even think of an equivalent.

Using the Groundhog Day analogy, us winning would be like the town mayor reaching into the hole and pulling out, not an obese rodent, but instead a barrell of Loch Ness monster assholes and then fucking them one by one. I can’t fathom what it would be like to win this game, because it is impossible.

Ever try to wrap your head around creation or how to open one of those plastic cases that electronics come in? That is the same thing that happens to me when I picture us winning Game 7 tonight. Its fucking impossible to picture.

If we do win, I may jog over to the Mass Pike and give a traffic camera a Roman Helmet.

More later…

7:46 – End of the first. As I expected, the ass kicking has begun. First off, we could be shooting protons at Halak and he would stop them. Now that they have scored, it is game over.

Second, Mike Green most definitely goes to Melwood. What a fucking moron. He is the Antwan Randle-El of the Caps, the Grievous Vasquez. Great on paper and dogshit in reality. Not even dogshit. The left over hemmorhoid scrapings from a dog rectum that ends up in dogshit.

Why the fuck do I watch sports? Please fucking tell me. DC ain’t won shit since 1992. Why don’t I fucking learn?

Fuck this team, fuck sports. I could root for a team made up of Jesus, Buddha, Vishnu, Confuscious, and Iron Man and they would still lose to the Sioux City Suzies.

Teabag me with a homeless man’s sac!!!!!!!

8:40 – Well, as I said three hours ago, nothing would be more surprising to me than us winning this game. It makes me want to puke that I have to watch this game on Versus. Shocker, it is owned by Comcast…..oh, sorry XXXTTREEME Infinity or whatever they are called now. Their announcers? Awful. I would rather hear this:

And, thank GOD that they are letting me know about the useless, shit-smearing Versus Hockey App on the iPhone. Especially when their ad that takes up 40% of my screen is shown DURING live action. HEY, how about, instead of listening to ad advice from a Japanese bukakke porn star, you just show the ACTUAL FUCKING GAME!!!! I HATE VERSUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No more if. We are NOT coming back from this. Nice season. At least we have the President’s Trophy! THUMBS UP……our DICKHOLES!!!

9:11 – If they rule this a goal after disallowing ours, I pity the firefighters of Newton.

9:41 – F Detroit. F Cleveland. No city has more heartbreaking losses than DC area teams. Let’s just start with this year. Look at the debacles so far this year: 1) I hate the NBA, but Gilbert Arenas (whilst sucking hard) brings a gun to the Verizon Center and gets into a fight. 2) The Maryland Terps, down 16 in the tournament, comes back only to lose on a buzzer beater. 3) The Caps, by far and away the most dominant team in the NHL, is owned by a bunch of French midgets in the first round of the playoffs, with Game 7 being decided by a phantom “in the crease” call by the referees.

9:48 – Sigh. Well, the next time you see this blog active, I’ll be a dad and I’ll be watching the US Men’s National Team lose 18-2 in every one of their World Cup games. Until next time America…..

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Filed under Washington Capitals

Tagged as Canadiens, Capitals, Game 7, WTF

April 26, 2010 · 5:40 pm

Capitals vs. CanadiAns (Game 6)

6:36 – In Game 1, I blogged. We lost. Games 2-4, no blogging and we won. After the Game 5 debacle, I assume the jinx is over so I’m trying this again. I will do anything to win. Karma, luck, drinking a unicorn-leprechaun smoothie, ANYthing. I saw a homeless lady on the way home today, so I gave her a dollar. And no, it wasn’t because she was in a G-string. I came home and told my wife. She said, “So you gave a dollar to a homeless woman so that the Caps would win, not that you’d have a healthy baby.” Waitress, tonight I’ll have the back-breaking Caps loss with a side order of guilt please! Thanks, honey!

6:40 – Since I didn’t have a chance to go off on the Montreal fans after they booed the National Anthem, let me begin there. First off, who the fuck is Canada to boo another country?

Nobody gives a shit about Canada!

6:46 – I mean, honestly. Now I’m getting mad. What has Canada given the world that we can’t get somewhere else? Maple syrup? Vermont. Moose? Alaska. Queer hippies? France. Shitty hockey teams with even more cum-worshipping names than the Habitants? Atlanta Thrashers. Done. We took your Expos bitches, now we’re coming to take your hairy-armpitted women.

6:50 – Be back after the puck drops.

7:00 – Here we go. I love when Jack Bauer introduces the NHL playoffs. FYI, with wordpress.com, which is what this is built on, you can see which search terms people have used to successfully find you. I only have one that has happened so far in the young history of this blog. “Bull seals shagging.” I should win some kind of a prize for that.

7:15 – Ugh. It looks like Halak’s swollen labia are stopping all the pucks tonight.

7:26 – GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!!!! Can we ever score the first fucking goal?!?! I HATE THESE FRENCH SNAIL EATING ASSHATS!!!! SURRENDER!

7:28 – We need to drop the fucking gloves. This is a joke. They’ll piss their panties if we do.

7:31 – JFC. The blog is a jinx!!!!! Bye!

7:43 – fuck it. This is beyond any jinx. 5-3 and nothing. What a bunch of pussies. Shoot on the power play you assholes! Instead, you practice being a power bottom!!! Goat-fuck me with a chainsaw!!!!

7:48 – I literally have not been this mad about a Caps game ever. Not even close. Not even after Game 7 against the Pens last year. Right now, I would rather be watching that on a loop.

8:08 – We look like deer in the headlights. If the deer was dead, wearing a pink skirt and had crapped the said skirt.

8:09 – A penalty on Montreal?!?!? WHAAATTTTT?!?!??!? Breaking NEWS!

8:16 – How in the fuck can you beat a team when their goalie is on fire like that?

8:26 – That last penalty on Mike Green was utter bullshit. The ghost of fucking Billy Mays couldn’t sell that line of bullshit to Chris Burke if he was hammered drunk on absinthe. Are you kidding me? The fucking ref tripped that French ballerina, not Mike Green! AHJAHHAHHFHAHHHHHFHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:44 – This is like a Redskins game. You play like crap the whole game. When you get a chance to score, finally, the other team makes an amazing play to stop you. You know that you have no chance to win, but it’s close enough to not let you turn off the TV. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. I am going to take up knitting. That’s my new favorite sport. Let’s go Connecticut Cross-Stichers!!!

8:53 – I would rather comb the Geico cavenman’s pubes for lice than watch these French Canadian fans cheer anymore tonight.

8:54 – FYI, I figured out how I got fat. My Sports Teams —> Rage —> Drinking —> Eating —> Feel Bad About Eating 40 tacos —> More Drinking —> Eating (Repeat until game is over.)

9:01 – Well my fellow rageaholics, time to dig in. I hope for the best. I’ll see you in Game 1 or Game 7….

Capitals vs. Canadiens (Game 1)

6:32 – So, this week my friend emailed me to tell me some random person posted a link to my blog on one of the Washington Post forums. I was honored. That is, until I noticed that the poster’s handle was “Hugh G Rection.” Good work.

So, here we go. I guess you could consider this an expansion to my usual rage-rants. I fully expect the Caps to do well in the postseason and it might be hard to bring the funny this time, as I might not be in full-on rage. But, this is a D.C. sports team, so I fully expect a blimp to crash into the Verizon Center and only kill our players.

I think I’ll start off by fucking with the CanadiAns. That’s right…FUCK your E. No one says Americens and these aren’t the Cepitels. Use “a’s” you French yak sacs! Also, what kind of asshole team has two names? The Habs. When I first heard that years ago (after I realized there were French people who actually played a sport other than fencing) I actually had to look it up. Habitants. Even dumber. Wow. You LIVE in the city you are named after? How cool. From now on, I’m going to name my nuts the Indigs. It stands for the Indigenous Testicles. But, I like to shorten it to the Indigs.

So, fuck the Montrael CenediAns. I like this guy: http://ihatemontrealcanadiens.blogspot.com/

One last thing. This is their ACTUAL mascot. Called Youppi. Fitting, since it looks like You Pee-Pee’d and a ginger came out.

I am Ginger Yeti!

7:00 – I am so psyched for this. RAHHHHHH!

7:12 – Power Play! Figures that it’s for hooking. Just like a Montreal player to moonlight as a hooker.

7:14 – Um….Tripping!!! Hello!?!? Stevie Wonder is in the zebra stripes tonight apparently.

7:19 – fucking Buddha balls. Laich misses an open net and then we take a penalty. Ugh. I hate not being in DC for this. No home announcers, just the 4th tier guy from Fox NFL Sunday calling this game. At least it isn’t Kenny “Corky” Albert.

7:31 – Uh oh! Chimera barely touched someone by the boards! Sure hope he doesn’t get an Ovechkin suspension for 3 games.

7:35 – FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

7:36 – The Versus color guy hit the nail on the goddamn head. I am so fucking sick of our penalty killers getting the puck and dancing with it in our own zone like it’s Dancing with the Stars. It’s the playoffs asshole. If you get the puck, smash that thing like you are Lennie from Of Mice and Men.

7:40 – No way that the KFC “double down” sells. Unless they allow motor scooters for the morbidly obese at the drive thru.

7:42 – GOOOOOAALLLLLL

7:56 – Ok, time to refresh the beers.

8:10 – I give Montreal another 5 minutes before the stay true to the French in French Canadian and they surrender.

8:14 – That shot from Backstrom broke 18 laws of physics when it bounced off the ice and did NOT go in. Unbelievable. Like Randy Johnson and a fucking pigeon unbelievable.

8:23 – Invasion of the body snatchers has officially happened. Who is that wearing Theodore’s jersey?!?? Awesome saves!

8:35 – Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve held eggs more tightly than what Korvo did and he was called for holding. Hold THIS!!!! Agghhhh!

9:08 – FUCKING Schultz!!!! What a fucking ass spelunking, dick-hugging ball shit. Fuck me in the pooooooper.

9:10 – how the fuck did Halak stop that? I think she dropped her meat curtains.

9:20 – FYI, I need a name for Jeff Schultz. Any suggestions? Please post in the comments below. Something along the lines of Millbourne -> Stillborn on the Terps.

9:30 – When this playoff “beard” grows in, it is going to be gray.

9:47 – I am so sick of seeing that collagen-lipped Sidney Crysby holding the Cup. I seriously would have rather had the Islamabad Bin-Ladens win the Cup last year.

10:15 – I could puke. Our achilles heel kills us again….Schultz and Korvo. I can’t believe we traded FOR Korvo.

Tag Archives: Capitals

Caps vs. Bruins Game 4

Capitals vs. CanadiAns (Game 7 or WTF?!?)

Capitals vs. CanadiAns (Game 6)

Capitals vs. Canadiens (Game 1)

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