6:40 PM – It has been a long time since I posted a rage stroke on here. I blame (I mean thank) my new baby girl, Hannah. She’s been a blessing and has kept me more mellow than normal. That, plus what is there to watch in the summer? Baseball? If I wanted to watch something that gay and shitty I would watch amateur gay scat porn.
6:45 PM – Even though I could just watch this game at home, I’ve decided to get some Boston Redskins fans together that I’ve found in some facebook groups and on the national Redskins website and meet up at a bar downtown. I figured being drunk and awake at midnight wouldn’t be enough for a productive day at work tomorrow, so I also added in a 45 minute train ride. On another note, thanks to Sunday Ticket, I got to watch Jason Campbell excel in Oakland. A fumble and an interception and he was on his back more often than the 14 year-old Korean boy that I am quite positive Tony Romo keeps locked in his cellar.
6:47 PM – I hope to have internet service in the bar so that I can update on the road, but if not I’ll make sure to do it first thing tomorrow morning while hungover.
8:10 PM – This bar is hurting. The kitchen closed at 8. What the fuck is this? Omaha? Wait, those fatties alway eat. Salt Lake City????
8:13 PM – Our jerseys look sweet. The gold looks good. Actual gold color not like the dick-pus yellow that Maryland basketball wears.
8:18 PM – This bar is jumping. Can you tell we won 4 games last year?
10:38 PM – I have been drinking. Beer. reed Doughty is a fucking pussy. I caught his last interaction on tape: Oh Puck I wost Mai guy huh woh!
11:13 PM – DeMartha Ware blew out her ovary. poor pussy.
So, while it may seem hard to believe, someone with my Christian upbringing and polite language still enjoys an occasional beer (or 12).
This time of year liquor stores are flowing with pumpkin ales and oktoberfest beers. I can never remember which one I like or have tried before, so I thought I’d finally taste a bunch and make a ruling.
Based on what these brewers classify as a pumpkin ale, pumpkin apparently tastes differently in every part of the world. In some places, pumpkin tastes like what you’d get at Thanksgiving dinner with a slice of pumpkin pie. In other places, like old well water that has been filtered through used Dr. Scholl’s.
So, here are my results of eight beers based on several criteria:
–
–
–
Cost
Aroma
Appearance
Pumpkin-ability
(1=Dog queef, 10=The Great Pumpkin)
Crunkin-ability
Result
Saranac Pumpkin
Avg.
Very slight pumpkin smell
Dark and rich
9
5.4%
Gold Medal – An overall great beer that tastes like the pumpkin you are used to.
Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin
Cheap
Miller Lite (i.e. old balls)
Light. Like Miller lite.
5
5.7%
Worst in Show – Used Miller Lite (i.e. piss) and cinnamon.
Shipyard Pumpkinhead
Avg.
Almost nothing, but some pumpkin
Very light amber.
8
4.5%
Bronze Medal – Was leading in the clubhouse for a while, and definitely
Sam Adams Pumpkin Ale
Avg.
Very light, but pleasant
Solid amber color.
7
5.7%
Honorable Mention – Pretty good beer in general, but not enough pumpkin to place.
Post Road Pumpkin
Avg.
Enticing; strong but not too much.
Similar to Sam Adams
6
5.0%
Middle of the pack – just boring.
St. Ambroise Citrouille
Expensive
Not pumpkiny. Smells like hops.
Also similar to Sam Adams.
8
5.0%
Silver Medal – This is a great beer and it definitely tastes like real pumpkin smells. The brewer took the pumpkin idea too literally.
Weyerbacher Imperial Pumpkin Ale
Expensive
Off. Smells like metal, like Johnny 5 farted.
Nice dark brown.
5
8.0%
Meh – Good if you want to get drunk I guess.
Dogfish Head Punkin Ale
Expensive
Awful. Used coffee filter from 1978?
Appealing amber color.
2
7.0%
Next to Last – Not a bad beer I guess, but it tastes like butter. How in the fuck is that like pumpkin?
So, Saranac Pumpkin wins! This is a limited release beer, so I’d better stock up.
5:48 – Here I sit on the train home from Downtown Boston, along with apparently an NIH study group of SARS patients, thinking about how in the hell we got here.
This sucks. How does a bunch of French fried purveyors of gloryholes take us to Game 7?!? We must have pre-ordered this batch of suck from China and allowed 3-4 months for delivery. The last game was infuriating to say the least.
I honestly don’t see a way out of this. DC sports teams either suck or choke. Its a tradition, like pulling that fat fuck of a groundhog out of its hole each winter. If we win tonight, all tradition would be lost. I can’t even think of an equivalent.
Using the Groundhog Day analogy, us winning would be like the town mayor reaching into the hole and pulling out, not an obese rodent, but instead a barrell of Loch Ness monster assholes and then fucking them one by one. I can’t fathom what it would be like to win this game, because it is impossible.
Ever try to wrap your head around creation or how to open one of those plastic cases that electronics come in? That is the same thing that happens to me when I picture us winning Game 7 tonight. Its fucking impossible to picture.
If we do win, I may jog over to the Mass Pike and give a traffic camera a Roman Helmet.
More later…
7:46 – End of the first. As I expected, the ass kicking has begun. First off, we could be shooting protons at Halak and he would stop them. Now that they have scored, it is game over.
Second, Mike Green most definitely goes to Melwood. What a fucking moron. He is the Antwan Randle-El of the Caps, the Grievous Vasquez. Great on paper and dogshit in reality. Not even dogshit. The left over hemmorhoid scrapings from a dog rectum that ends up in dogshit.
Why the fuck do I watch sports? Please fucking tell me. DC ain’t won shit since 1992. Why don’t I fucking learn?
Fuck this team, fuck sports. I could root for a team made up of Jesus, Buddha, Vishnu, Confuscious, and Iron Man and they would still lose to the Sioux City Suzies.
Teabag me with a homeless man’s sac!!!!!!!
8:40 – Well, as I said three hours ago, nothing would be more surprising to me than us winning this game. It makes me want to puke that I have to watch this game on Versus. Shocker, it is owned by Comcast…..oh, sorry XXXTTREEME Infinity or whatever they are called now. Their announcers? Awful. I would rather hear this:
And, thank GOD that they are letting me know about the useless, shit-smearing Versus Hockey App on the iPhone. Especially when their ad that takes up 40% of my screen is shown DURING live action. HEY, how about, instead of listening to ad advice from a Japanese bukakke porn star, you just show the ACTUAL FUCKING GAME!!!! I HATE VERSUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No more if. We are NOT coming back from this. Nice season. At least we have the President’s Trophy! THUMBS UP……our DICKHOLES!!!
9:11 – If they rule this a goal after disallowing ours, I pity the firefighters of Newton.
9:41 – F Detroit. F Cleveland. No city has more heartbreaking losses than DC area teams. Let’s just start with this year. Look at the debacles so far this year: 1) I hate the NBA, but Gilbert Arenas (whilst sucking hard) brings a gun to the Verizon Center and gets into a fight. 2) The Maryland Terps, down 16 in the tournament, comes back only to lose on a buzzer beater. 3) The Caps, by far and away the most dominant team in the NHL, is owned by a bunch of French midgets in the first round of the playoffs, with Game 7 being decided by a phantom “in the crease” call by the referees.
9:48 – Sigh. Well, the next time you see this blog active, I’ll be a dad and I’ll be watching the US Men’s National Team lose 18-2 in every one of their World Cup games. Until next time America…..
6:36 – In Game 1, I blogged. We lost. Games 2-4, no blogging and we won. After the Game 5 debacle, I assume the jinx is over so I’m trying this again. I will do anything to win. Karma, luck, drinking a unicorn-leprechaun smoothie, ANYthing. I saw a homeless lady on the way home today, so I gave her a dollar. And no, it wasn’t because she was in a G-string. I came home and told my wife. She said, “So you gave a dollar to a homeless woman so that the Caps would win, not that you’d have a healthy baby.” Waitress, tonight I’ll have the back-breaking Caps loss with a side order of guilt please! Thanks, honey!
6:40 – Since I didn’t have a chance to go off on the Montreal fans after they booed the National Anthem, let me begin there. First off, who the fuck is Canada to boo another country?
Nobody gives a shit about Canada!
6:46 – I mean, honestly. Now I’m getting mad. What has Canada given the world that we can’t get somewhere else? Maple syrup? Vermont. Moose? Alaska. Queer hippies? France. Shitty hockey teams with even more cum-worshipping names than the Habitants? Atlanta Thrashers. Done. We took your Expos bitches, now we’re coming to take your hairy-armpitted women.
6:50 – Be back after the puck drops.
7:00 – Here we go. I love when Jack Bauer introduces the NHL playoffs. FYI, with wordpress.com, which is what this is built on, you can see which search terms people have used to successfully find you. I only have one that has happened so far in the young history of this blog. “Bull seals shagging.” I should win some kind of a prize for that.
7:15 – Ugh. It looks like Halak’s swollen labia are stopping all the pucks tonight.
7:26 – GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!!!! Can we ever score the first fucking goal?!?! I HATE THESE FRENCH SNAIL EATING ASSHATS!!!! SURRENDER!
7:28 – We need to drop the fucking gloves. This is a joke. They’ll piss their panties if we do.
7:31 – JFC. The blog is a jinx!!!!! Bye!
7:43 – fuck it. This is beyond any jinx. 5-3 and nothing. What a bunch of pussies. Shoot on the power play you assholes! Instead, you practice being a power bottom!!! Goat-fuck me with a chainsaw!!!!
7:48 – I literally have not been this mad about a Caps game ever. Not even close. Not even after Game 7 against the Pens last year. Right now, I would rather be watching that on a loop.
8:08 – We look like deer in the headlights. If the deer was dead, wearing a pink skirt and had crapped the said skirt.
8:09 – A penalty on Montreal?!?!? WHAAATTTTT?!?!??!?
8:16 – How in the fuck can you beat a team when their goalie is on fire like that?
8:26 – That last penalty on Mike Green was utter bullshit. The ghost of fucking Billy Mays couldn’t sell that line of bullshit to Chris Burke if he was hammered drunk on absinthe. Are you kidding me? The fucking ref tripped that French ballerina, not Mike Green! AHJAHHAHHFHAHHHHHFHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8:44 – This is like a Redskins game. You play like crap the whole game. When you get a chance to score, finally, the other team makes an amazing play to stop you. You know that you have no chance to win, but it’s close enough to not let you turn off the TV. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. I am going to take up knitting. That’s my new favorite sport. Let’s go Connecticut Cross-Stichers!!!
8:53 – I would rather comb the Geico cavenman’s pubes for lice than watch these French Canadian fans cheer anymore tonight.
8:54 – FYI, I figured out how I got fat. My Sports Teams —> Rage —> Drinking —> Eating —> Feel Bad About Eating 40 tacos —> More Drinking —> Eating (Repeat until game is over.)
9:01 – Well my fellow rageaholics, time to dig in. I hope for the best. I’ll see you in Game 1 or Game 7….
6:32 – So, this week my friend emailed me to tell me some random person posted a link to my blog on one of the Washington Post forums. I was honored. That is, until I noticed that the poster’s handle was “Hugh G Rection.” Good work.
So, here we go. I guess you could consider this an expansion to my usual rage-rants. I fully expect the Caps to do well in the postseason and it might be hard to bring the funny this time, as I might not be in full-on rage. But, this is a D.C. sports team, so I fully expect a blimp to crash into the Verizon Center and only kill our players.
I think I’ll start off by fucking with the CanadiAns. That’s right…FUCK your E. No one says Americens and these aren’t the Cepitels. Use “a’s” you French yak sacs! Also, what kind of asshole team has two names? The Habs. When I first heard that years ago (after I realized there were French people who actually played a sport other than fencing) I actually had to look it up. Habitants. Even dumber. Wow. You LIVE in the city you are named after? How cool. From now on, I’m going to name my nuts the Indigs. It stands for the Indigenous Testicles. But, I like to shorten it to the Indigs.
One last thing. This is their ACTUAL mascot. Called Youppi. Fitting, since it looks like You Pee-Pee’d and a ginger came out.
I am Ginger Yeti!
7:00 – I am so psyched for this. RAHHHHHH!
7:12 – Power Play! Figures that it’s for hooking. Just like a Montreal player to moonlight as a hooker.
7:14 – Um….Tripping!!! Hello!?!? Stevie Wonder is in the zebra stripes tonight apparently.
7:19 – fucking Buddha balls. Laich misses an open net and then we take a penalty. Ugh. I hate not being in DC for this. No home announcers, just the 4th tier guy from Fox NFL Sunday calling this game. At least it isn’t Kenny “Corky” Albert.
7:31 – Uh oh! Chimera barely touched someone by the boards! Sure hope he doesn’t get an Ovechkin suspension for 3 games.
7:36 – The Versus color guy hit the nail on the goddamn head. I am so fucking sick of our penalty killers getting the puck and dancing with it in our own zone like it’s Dancing with the Stars. It’s the playoffs asshole. If you get the puck, smash that thing like you are Lennie from Of Mice and Men.
7:40 – No way that the KFC “double down” sells. Unless they allow motor scooters for the morbidly obese at the drive thru.
8:10 – I give Montreal another 5 minutes before the stay true to the French in French Canadian and they surrender.
8:14 – That shot from Backstrom broke 18 laws of physics when it bounced off the ice and did NOT go in. Unbelievable. Like Randy Johnson and a fucking pigeon unbelievable.
8:23 – Invasion of the body snatchers has officially happened. Who is that wearing Theodore’s jersey?!?? Awesome saves!
8:35 – Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve held eggs more tightly than what Korvo did and he was called for holding. Hold THIS!!!! Agghhhh!
9:08 – FUCKING Schultz!!!! What a fucking ass spelunking, dick-hugging ball shit. Fuck me in the pooooooper.
9:10 – how the fuck did Halak stop that? I think she dropped her meat curtains.
9:20 – FYI, I need a name for Jeff Schultz. Any suggestions? Please post in the comments below. Something along the lines of Millbourne -> Stillborn on the Terps.
9:30 – When this playoff “beard” grows in, it is going to be gray.
9:47 – I am so sick of seeing that collagen-lipped Sidney Crysby holding the Cup. I seriously would have rather had the Islamabad Bin-Ladens win the Cup last year.
10:15 – I could puke. Our achilles heel kills us again….Schultz and Korvo. I can’t believe we traded FOR Korvo.
Well, that’s that. Pretty impossible to beat a team that has a necklace made of leprechaun scrotums, horseshoes, rabbit feet, and bits of the shroud of Turin around their necks.
Who in the fuck shoots 3 pointers like that? I mean seriously? I think they shot 124% from downtown.
Ugh whatever.
On to the hockey playoffs. I’ll start when the Pittsburgh scum roll into town this Wednesday night.
7:18 PM – So my original plan was to watch the MD game with the Boston MD Alumni Association again. They are a fun bunch of people. But, I had to alter my plans a bit and am finally home and have fired Mike’s Rage up. The good part is that I get to watch the Caps game too. So, without further a doo-doo:
7:20 – Why in the fuck are we in the away jerseys? This is some shit. I hate the fucking South.
7:21 – Nice defense Vasquez. Just watch him bust a 3 in your eye. First cum, now this.
7:22 – I love J. Williams, but he needs to dunk like a fucking man. When he tries to dunk, he looks like a 7 year old girl sitting down her fake cup during a tea party. He should fist the basket like an inmate rape.
7:24 – Nice pass #11 from GA Tech.
7:25 – Commercial. Caps time. First game for the Caps since wrapping up the Southeast Division. I still can’t believe there is a team in Tampa called the Lightning. It’s like the fucking XFL. Back to MD.
7:29 – Smart play Gregory. I bet you have to eat with rubber utensils.
7:30 – ROFL. Misses all 3 free throws. Epic fail.
7:33 – Rage is building. Bad for my heart. Good for my blog. I’m like a bald Incredible Hulk. And Mike is about to smASH!
7:34 – 4 out of 19. Our shooting is similar to the amount of top teeth that a typical Georgia Tech fan has.
7:38 – I swear to God that if we lose in the first round I am going to go on a bender.
7:42 – They do know they are playing right? And not just with their boyfriend’s prostate.
7:44 – That was fucking bullshit. Should have been a fucking flagrant. Fuck you sexual Favors.
7:46 – This is fucking insane. I am going to throw a clot, seize and shit my pants. FUUUUCCCKKKK.
7:47 – Someone please put me out of my misery. Buttfuck me with a rhino horn.
7:57 – What an unbelievable half. MD seems destined to get into these games where we can’t shoot and the other team can bounce the balls off an old lady in the third row and make a three pointer. Back to the Caps.
8:00 – Caps losing, Terps losing, I’m losing my hair. I’ll probably lose my keys too.
8:20 – No way we win this game. We get it to 9 and then that asshole hits a jumper that should not have gone in. I would rather have fallen off of a cruise ship, washed up on Antarctica, and been gang raped by bull seals than for that shot to have gone in. Fuck.
At a bar in Boston with the local alumni association. representing!!
9:27 – I have already prematurely ejaculated, so I hope the fuck we win, or 1 million lil Spiglers will have died for naught.
10:37 – All the sperm-chugging Turtles (see Entourage) have emerged from the Celtics game and are cheering against the 20+ UMD fans at the bar. Fuck them and the loser Celt-clits.
1:51 – I hate when Raycum Sports carries the game. Apparently all of their cameras were purchased in 1999 and they still don’t believe that HD is a technology that will stick. At least I’ll be prepared for cataracts after watching this in standard def.
2:07 – I think it’s fantastic that U of M hires the disabled, like the color-blind person who designed these mustard uniforms. At least they’ve been lucky.
2:19 – How about Grievous? First player to score 2,000 points and 3 million unforced turnovers in the same career. Way to go comrade.
2:20 – Georgia Tech has more ugly 3-balls than a Chernobyl baby boy in this game.
2:23 – From here out Bowie will be named Boo-ey. Because that is the only way to describe him. As in, “What do you think of that pile of shit wearing #22?” “Oh, he’s quite Boo-ey.”
2:24 – shocker he hits a 3 right after that.
2:39 – What the mother fucking fuck is going on with these 3’s Tech is hitting?
2:50 – I love Mini Moseley. He is always there to clean up Stillborn’s missed 2-footers.
3:24 – so, if you ever wonder what is happening when I start blogging less, it’s because I’m super buzzed. As I am now.
3:25 – The refs have been pig shit this game.
3:48 – I told my wife that if we ever trail in this game, we would
fold like a chair. and here we go. fuck me
8:04 – I’m worried about this game tonight. It’s the perfect shit storm for the Terps. After a big win, playing on the road, and against a balls team. I hope I’m wrong.
9:08 – I think we need 4 more wins to be in for sure. It would be nice to get one of those 4 on the road here.
9:10 – We’re fucked. Vasquez hit his first shot. Be prepared for him to pretend to be the Communist Miguel Jordan for the rest of the night. That should be good for about a dozen unforced turnovers.
9:13 – Why the shit is this game not in HD? HD TV, HD Channel, and it’s like I’m watching this on a Tandy. I hate the fucking South.
9:19 – This is an ugly game. NC State is turkey jizz. I’ve seen pornstars that have gotten less tip-ins.
9:32 – Holy fucking shit. I fucking KNEW this game would be shit.
9:40 – JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!! BOX OUT!
9:41 – Judging from that last video of Gary, I think he just used the word “fuck” as a noun, verb, adjective and adverb in the same sentence.
9:42 – This game makes me want to fuck my dickhole with a curling iron. What the dog rape is going on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9:49 – Fuck you Grievous. Fuck you Eric “Da-da-daa-da-da Hayes You Suck!”. Fuck you Stillborn. Fuck you DeezNuts Gregory
Mike's Sports Rage 