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The Mayans are either full of fucking shit or terrible at math. Clearly, the cosmos has aligned for Armageddon this year, n0t 2012. There is no explanation for the black hole of suck that has formed inside the DC Beltway. How do I know? Let me convey the prophecy:

These things all actually happened to my teams….within the same goddamn year:

Washington Redskins

• The 2011 draft happened without the Redskins drafting a QB. Shanahan looked at the two steaming piles of armadillo dung that are John Beck and Rex Grossman and due to cataracts, rabies, or dementia somehow saw Joe Montana and Steve Young.
• We missed the playoffs for the 4,124th year in a row. The only team with a longer drought are the Carthage Carriage-Makers.
• Two of the few bright spots in the 2011 season, Trent Williams and Fred Davis, get suspended for at least 4 games for getting caught smoking weed, not once, not twice, but three fucking times. Trent and Fred Go to White Castle. Coming soon to a theater near you. This one pisses me off more than any of the others. I mean, what kind of Sling Blade motherfucker do you have to be have 7 million dollars and pick weed as your choice of fun. First off, I don’t even understand smoking weed. I’d be in Vegas burning down a suite every night. They pick weed. I mean, at least pick a rich person’s drug. Shouldn’t you be doing lines of coke off of a leprechaun or something?

Washington Capitals

• Jesus sac….where do I even start with this one. How about the complete fucking meltdown against the Tampa Bay Lightning in last year’s playoffs. Swept by a team that sounds like it was ripped from the script of Mighty Ducks 12.
• Or maybe the complete disappearance of the 2-time MVP, Alex Ovechkin. MVP now stands for Mighty Vagina Plug.
• Now, this year we’ve gone from being the top team in the East to rancid yEast.

Maryland Football

• We have a coach, an alum, who wins ACC coach of the year. What do we do? Duh! We fire him!  Fuck success. Who needs it. I once won the lottery, but instead of cashing in the ticket I just lit it on fire.
• As if our play on the field wasn’t ugly enough, we decided to get a chimp drunk, make it puke, and then use the barf as the design for our new jerseys.
• We won two games this year. Two. As in two balls. Two tits. Two anal cysts. We lost one game against Temple. Temple. Hopefully we’ll do better next year against Mosque.

Maryland Basketball

• We were so bad last year that we didn’t even make the N-fucking-I-raping-T. Not just the NCAA, but the NIT. If you don’t know basketball, that is like not getting a date to the prom and when you ask your mom or dad to go with you instead, they kill themselves instead of taking you.
• Gary Williams, who led us to probably the only title we’ll ever win, retired in embarrassment. Our new coach, Whogives A. McFuck takes over and we proceed to lose to Iona. I don’t even have the will to live enough to make fun of Iona. Just saying the word is enough.

Washington Nationals

• Of course I didn’t expect anything from the Nationals, but the icing on the crap cake for 2011 was our young prospect being kidnapped and held for ransom. Seriously, who the fuck has a player kidnapped? Luckily Liam Neeson tracked down the assholes and got him back.

8:10 PM – this is going to be a looooooong year. we can not shoot at all. holy shit.

8:12 PM – FYI, I just checked to see if Grievous has even played this year for Memfist. he has played a total of 80 seconds. workers unite!

8:17 PM – our recruiting makes me want to puke. do we pick the shittiest states to recruit in? Stoglin was all-state in Arizona. Caner-Medley from Maine. Hopefully next year we can get Tooga Booga Whogivesashit from Guam’s all-island team.

8:19 – what the fucking bullfuck?!? Jordin Williams has NO jumper. he could be a goddamn gnome living inside the rim and still would miss a jumper.

8:23 – this Howard kid looks good…and not in the “Hi, I’m a Duke player who thinks you look good enough to have sodomy with” way.

8:24 – our students are already in midseason form. I’ve already clearly heard the words “pussy!” and “bullshit!”

8:26 – Stoglin is going to be the next Vasquez. guaranteed. a scorer who makes dumber decisions than Sarah Palin’s parents when they decided to have her.

8:32 – this game is sloppier than one of my daughter’s diapers.

8:33 – if we go into the half tied or losing, all of our players should be sent to UMBC.

8:36 – Yes! we have the elusive “useless white guy who Gary Williams will play no matter what” role filled again! Paulson has some big shoes to fill. I wonder where Mike Mardebitch is these days?

8:37 – add “fucking” to the swears I’ve heard on the broadcast tonight. I heart our fans 🙂

8:39 – Haha, I guess Comcast Sportsnet must think a lot of Baltimore fans are watching. when someone makes a basket, a “3” or “2” flashes up before it is added to the score. God forbid someone subtracts 37 from 40 to get the number 3. To make it easier, they should put “number of people Ray Lewis murdered” when someone scores two points.

8:43 – 11 minutes in and I already hate Stoglin. he needs a nickname….give me a minute….

8:53 – ok, Stoglin’s new nickname until I think of something better is Vasquez Dos.

8:57 – Palsssssson is playing like sssssssshit.

9:45 – How can 1 team miss so many shots/layups in 1 game? do we practice on regulation rims? because it looks like the only rims we are comfortable with have the word “jobs” after them.

9:48 – Jordin Williams is playing like Jordin Sparks. that mother raping butt squatter can not make a layup. how can someone that tall not make a layup. it would be like me being bad at being fat. it’s impossible.

So, while it may seem hard to believe, someone with my Christian upbringing and polite language still enjoys an occasional beer (or 12).

This time of year liquor stores are flowing with pumpkin ales and oktoberfest beers.  I can never remember which one I like or have tried before, so I thought I’d finally taste a bunch and make a ruling.

Based on what these brewers classify as a pumpkin ale, pumpkin apparently tastes differently in every part of the world.  In some places, pumpkin tastes like what you’d get at Thanksgiving dinner with a slice of pumpkin pie.  In other places, like old well water that has been filtered through used Dr. Scholl’s.

So, here are my results of eight beers based on several criteria:

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So, Saranac Pumpkin wins!  This is a limited release beer, so I’d better stock up.

At a bar in Boston with the local alumni association. representing!!

9:27 – I have already prematurely ejaculated, so I hope the fuck we win, or 1 million lil Spiglers will have died for naught.

10:37 – All the sperm-chugging Turtles (see Entourage) have emerged from the Celtics game and are cheering against the 20+ UMD fans at the bar. Fuck them and the loser Celt-clits.

8:04 – I’m worried about this game tonight. It’s the perfect shit storm for the Terps. After a big win, playing on the road, and against a balls team. I hope I’m wrong.

9:08 – I think we need 4 more wins to be in for sure. It would be nice to get one of those 4 on the road here.

9:10 – We’re fucked. Vasquez hit his first shot. Be prepared for him to pretend to be the Communist Miguel Jordan for the rest of the night. That should be good for about a dozen unforced turnovers.

9:13 – Why the shit is this game not in HD? HD TV, HD Channel, and it’s like I’m watching this on a Tandy. I hate the fucking South.

9:19 – This is an ugly game. NC State is turkey jizz. I’ve seen pornstars that have gotten less tip-ins.

9:32 – Holy fucking shit. I fucking KNEW this game would be shit.

9:40 – JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!! BOX OUT!

9:41 – Judging from that last video of Gary, I think he just used the word “fuck” as a noun, verb, adjective and adverb in the same sentence.

9:42 – This game makes me want to fuck my dickhole with a curling iron. What the dog rape is going on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:49 – Fuck you Grievous. Fuck you Eric “Da-da-daa-da-da Hayes You Suck!”. Fuck you Stillborn. Fuck you DeezNuts Gregory